Some Mid-Lenten Observations
Rachel Pollak is the Community Coordinator at St. Lydia’s. This is an excerpt from her weekly update to the community.
Dear Lydians,
* * * * *
Testimony
by Stephen Dunn
The Lord woke me in the middle of the night,
and the tray was heaped with cookies,
and He said, Stephen, have a cookie,and that’s when I knew for sure the Lord
is the real deal, the Man of all men,
because at that very moment
I was thinking of cookies, Vanilla Wafers
to be exact, and there were two
Vanilla Wafers in among the chocolate
chips and the lemon ices, and one
had a big S on it, and I knew it was for me,
and Jesus took it off the tray and put it
in my mouth, as if He were giving me
communication, or whatever they call it.
Then He said, Have another,
and I tell you I thought a long time before I
refused, because I knew it was a test
to see if I was a Christian, which means
a man like Christ, not a big ole hog.
* * * * *
This poem is obviously hilarious, but disturbing. Jesus wants him to have one cookie, but not two. What is the difference? Also, it seems really mean of Jesus to have this huge tray of cookies and trying to serve them to Stephen if He doesn’t really want Stephen to have them. This poem implies a version of Christian faith that I don’t find appealing or very interesting. If the ways in which we are being tested are so simple that they amount to little more than a bit on a morning show giving tips on how to “enjoy the holidays without going overboard,” than we should just save ourselves the trouble and read magazines all day. But I found myself wondering if there was something more there. The poem hinges around the misnomer, “giving me communication.” Maybe what the dreaming Stephen in the poem craves is knowledge–about the nature of Jesus, about our nature as children of God, about how to make choices in our daily lives that celebrate those entwined natures.
Having given up dessert for lent this year (that includes cookies, and also candy, cake, chocolate and dried fruit but not fresh fruit or sugar in my coffee or any sugar I would consume as part of regular meals), I’ve been thinking a lot about temptation. The thing is, my default emotional setting in life is the feeling best described by the statement, “I want a cookie.” And I’m pretty fit and get regular exercise and the rest of my diet is really healthy, so usually if I want a cookie I go ahead and have one. But I had come to realize that I was consuming sugar more often than is actually good for me, and that it was creating highs and lows in my mood and energy level that I thought I could do without. And I had a suspician that there might be something else to the slightly empty, desiring feeling I was experiencing so regularly, something else my body or mind or soul was trying to say between the lines of “I want a cookie.” So I decided to try going a whole forty days without it. Last year I gave it up during the week for Lent, and just had dessert on the weekends, which was a challenge but seemed like enough and made me feel pretty good. But the thing is, if I have dessert every seven days, then the craving is always there, and I had heard from friends that if they stopped eating it altogether for a while, they stopped wanting it.
So here I am. I found this article helpful; it is mostly about how companies use advertising at key moments in people’s lives to try to change their buying habits, but there was an interesting story the author tells that I’ve been thinking about. He says that he used to get up from his desk at work every day at three in the afternoon, and go to the cafeteria and buy a cookie. But after examining the feelings he was having that motivated this daily cookie indulgence, he realized that what he was really craving was the conversations he always ended up having when he went down to the cafeteria. So he still gets up from his desk at three PM now, but instead of buying a cookie, he walks around the newsroom looking for someone to gossip with for ten minutes, and then goes back to his desk satisfied and without the extra calories.
I’ve been trying to figure out what motivates my desire for dessert. For the first week, when I felt the craving, I still ate something, but replaced sweets with another treat, like cheese or dried fruit (hence dried fruit ending up on my no-list). Lately I seem to have stopped doing that, but I think I’ve been overeating slightly at mealtimes, feeling more full than I want to be after. But I have been enjoying my meals more, and taking more care to plan and prepare them. But it feels like I’m still missing something. I have an idea that I might be craving a little celebration, something to make the day feel special. Does that mean my days don’t feel engaging or rewarding enough? I’ve got a pretty great job (!), and since I do different things on different days of the week (Lydia’s on Monday and Thursday, babysitting on Tuesday and Friday, studio on Wednesday), I don’t think I’m bored. Or maybe its the extra burst of energy; I often feel it when I have to do something mentally or emotionally taxing, so maybe its something like, “I can’t do what’s in front of my without a little extra help.” Am I just thirsty? I definitely don’t skip meals, and I eat plenty of protein and drink a lot of water, so I don’t really think its low blood sugar or dehydration. Maybe there’s something to that word, “help…”
I’m not sure yet, but I’m glad to have this time to think about it. How’s lent going for you? Whether you’ve taken on a particular spiritual discipline or are just living out the discipline of waiting for daylight savings and warmer temperatures (though if today is any indication, you won’t have to wait long!), I’d love to hear your stories.